starting back at 1

For every opportunity missed, another awaits to be taken.

For every door that closes, another awaits to be opened.
For every chapter in a book completed, another awaits to be written.
With that said, I’ve reached the end of a chapter in my life.
I shall start writing the next chapter.
Have a good week ahead.
Night.

it's tearing up my heart

I’ve never felt such excruciating pain before, not until last night. I didn’t expect things to turn out the way it did, but it happened. All these while, I chose to trust her, instead of the things I’ve heard from people. But I guess the old saying “seeing is believing.” does make sense. She wanted time apart, and I gave it to her. I didn’t contact her for 3weeks and this is what I got in return. Honestly speaking, during the past 3weeks, it might seem like I was having the time of my life but deep down inside I was in pain.

The feeling I had at that very moment when I saw it, was beyond words. I felt as though my whole heart was being pierced countless of times by sharp needles. I felt like crying at that very moment but no tears came out. All I could do was watch. Imagine seeing someone you love so dearly, behaving intimately with another guy. I just felt like killing myself at that moment. I never thought she would do this to me.

3weeks…..3weeks was all it took.

Yes, I admit I am partly to blame for how things turned out the way it did. But I stopped messaging and calling her only because she didn’t know what I was to her. I felt really sad when she told me that and at that point of time, I was lost. I didn’t know if she was just taking me for a ride or something. Sighs.

I asked her recently if she was seeing someone and she said no. So now do I believe that? Ever since I met her, I can say that I’ve never thought about other girls except for her. Hard to believe for some people; but its true. The old Shaun would have continued to screw around but I changed since I met her. She was the only girl I brought home to meet my family, the only girl who met all of my friends. See the importance she was in my life. Now all I’m left with are memories and nothing more.

I will admit, there’s a part of me still hoping that we would get back together but I don’t think it’s going to happen. Fuck, I’m starting to tear up again. I really wish I could turn back the hands of time but reality does not allow it. I wish she was here beside me too, just lying down doing nothing. Sweet memories……






To Ben and Johnny,

You guys kept me out of trouble last night, spoke to me and made me feel better and I really appreciate it. Thanks.

Butterfactory on Wednesday night

i'm too lazy and stressed out to write anything about wednesday night so i'll just leave you with some pictures.....

goodnight.

she drives me crazy....both in a good and bad way

I guess it's over…..
3weeks and I’ve not gotten a concrete answer from her…..
Maybe I should move on…..
But it's not easy for me to do so……
Should I wait still ?
I told myself, I will make her happy....
But she's happy without me I guess.....
In a dilemma......
Please tell me your answer soon....
And I hope it's good news.....

hmmmm.......

I’m tired……
My mind’s not functioning properly……
I’m just randomly typing whatever that comes across my mind…….
I need to do something fast before I go bonkers…..
I’ve got to stop clubbing excessively…..
I’ve got to stop drinking excessively……
I need to stop smoking……
I’ve just got to get control of myself…….
Fuck I’m going out tonight I don’t care…….
I’m going crazy…..
Crazy just waiting…….

goodbye

I don’t want to club tonight la!!
I said this on Wednesday night at Simpang at 1130pm.
Make a guess where I was at 12.30am??
Outside Zouk with Shawn, Ara and Josh.
How nice, I’ve got no self control whatsoever.
But what’s new, I’ve got no control over everything.

I FEEL LIKE FUCK !!!!

better days

hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.....

i honestly hope so.....

no more pain.....

no more tears.....

just pure happiness.....

goodnight

life in words

The clock shows 5 and I can’t sleep,
With every tick, a silent weep.
My heart’s been hurt time and again,
I wish I could just erase the pain.
I thought I was strong, but I was wrong.
Maybe I should just move along.
Who are you and why are you here?
Why do I let you stand so near?
Don’t stand too close I’ve lost too much,
I’m scared to live again as such.
You passed by and stopped for a drink
The cups half done; what’s left to think?
Are you going to stay and sip some more?
Or leave it and walk right out the front door.

time out

As I lay down on my bed last night after supper, I looked at my phone.
Scrolled to my inbox, and read the messages.
Somehow tears started to swell up in my eyes.
I tried to hold them back, but to no avail.
I tried to wipe them away, but it was pointless.
I hid under my sheets, hoping the darkness would calm me down.
But it didn’t work.
I yelled into my pillow at the top of my voice, hoping to vent my frustration.
But it didn’t work either.
I threw my phone onto my desk, hoping that I would forget about it.
Within seconds, I found myself walking over to pick it up.
I said to myself, be strong.
But deep down inside, I knew I was weak.
I said to myself, stop crying.
But tears continued to flow down my cheeks.
The delirium went on till the early morning.
I dozed off while listening to Oasis on my mp3.
The song title?

Stop Crying Your Heart Out.
I’m exhausted. Period

i'll try my best..

He asked “Is it worth the trouble? Is it worth all the sleepless nights? Is it worth feeling like crap? Is it plain worth it?” As he said those words, I just sat there puffing on my cigarette and stared straight ahead not wanting to look him in the eye mainly because I knew tears would start flowing down my cheek. As I reached the end of my cigarette, he looked at me and finally said “Bro, I know for a fact what’s your answer. But look at you, you’ve not been yourself lately and it hurts all of us to see you like this. Maybe you just need to iron things out.” As he left, I stayed behind still thinking of what he said.

i'm sad la.....i say we go drink

I failed my fucking driving test and I’m fucking angry at myself. I’m not going to blame anyone or anything except my fucking stupid self. Fucking pissed off now !! Fucking hell I feel so fucking useless now. What the flying fuck went fucking wrong ? Now I got to fucking wait till fucking January07 before I fucking can take the next fucking test. Fucking angry now la !!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK !!

Zouk last night was good. Everyone was happily high. Joshua, Aravind, Khaushal and Shaun are fucking crazy people. I wonder how the hell we can consume so much alcohol in one freaking night. 1litre Smirnoff bottle finished in under 30minutes, jugs of Long Island Tea gone in mere seconds. My god I had so much that I had to decline drinks from friends i met because i was high. But I just can't seem to remember what happened at Phuture.

Damn those mental blocks.

430 driving test. i'm going with a hangover

GOT HANGOVER LA !!!

CHEEBYE !!!

HOW TO TAKE DRIVING TEST WITH HANGOVER ???

WHY DID I DRINK SO MUCH ???

FUCKING IDIOT LA SHAUN !!!

so lonely inside the project room

I"M BORED !!!

SOMEONE CALL ME !!!
SOMEONE SMS ME !!!

SOMEONE TALK TO ME ON MSN !!!
SOMEONE JUST SAVE ME FROM THE EVIL CLUTCHES OF BOREDOM !!!

OMG I"M DYING HERE INSIDE THE PROJECT ROOM.

TIME HAS STOPPED I THINK, BECAUSE IT SEEMS LIKE ETERNITY BEFORE 5PM COMES.

I'M SO AGGITATED NOW.

what will be, will be

knowing that someone is beside you

holding your hand tight

refusing to let go no matter what happens

makes one feel secure

it gives you a sense of sercurity

makes you feel loved i suppose

that small physical contact can sometimes mean more than words

i guess the old saying " action speaks louder than words"

makes perfect sense

confucious say" pee against wind, thus pants get wet"

That moronic idiot got the freaking timing of my driving lesson wrong and furthermore didn’t apologize for waking me up at FUCKING 7AM. I tell you I’m boiling inside right now like a freaking volcano.

SO GRUMPY NOW I TELL YOU !!!!!

Its 730am now, and as I flipped my phone open to read a message I see the wallpaper and a smile just appears on my face. Glancing through my pictures and sweet memories start to flash across my mind. I wonder how she is doing now.

It’s a Wednesday and what happens on Wednesday night people? MAMBO NIGHT !! So I’ve got invites for tonight and it’s tempting but I want to stay home because my driving test is tomorrow afternoon and nursing a hangover is not a risk I’m willing to take.

Another party happening tomorrow night at MOS and I want to go also but I’ve got a meeting with the head of my department on Friday morning at 845am sharp. I tell you I’m definitely going to be late, and I have a feeling the meetings going to be linked to my attendance.

Friday has already been planned. Zouk will be the venue. Busy week up ahead I can foresee. My maid thinks I’m mad because I'm shouting at everything ranging from the computer mouse to my air-con to my lighter and even the dogs. Don’t ask me why I’m doing so.

I’M JUST GRUMPY LA !

Off to school.

can anyone please find me a sugar mummy?

Bank balance as of 9 October 2006 : $8.98

I swear my driving lessons are burning a hole big enough to park a Boeing747 with space for a Mercedes Benz S-class as well. Ok I'm exaggerating the situation just a little. Fine maybe too much but you get the point right? I'm broke even before I receive my allowance for the month because I've already taken an advance. I need a job badly or maybe a sugar mummy? Ok wishful thinking on my part.

So I might be working the whole of next week and just has luck has it, I start school also on the same week. So if I manage to get that job, what do I choose? Money or School? Hmmmmm.... Tough choice, but I'll go for the money. Furthermore I might get free drinks while working so it's an extra incentive to work. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job.

i say we take pills

I’m still wide awake at the absurd hour of 3am even though I’ve decided to get my ass to school by 930 tomorrow morning.

What’s so funny huh? I can see you people laughing.

This is bad bad bad. I need sleeping pills.

On a brighter note, sausage mcmuffin and ice milo for breakfast tomorrow. Delivered personally by none other than the Hong Kong man.

quiet ride home

With josh on msn
Steven senile says “Watching movie with the rest ah?”
Joshua says “don’t feel like. I feel like drinking”
Steven senile says”Zouk? My friend got invite”
Joshua says”ok. Pick you up later”


With Ara on the phone
Me: eh josh not watching movie. Zouk?
Ara: hmmm….I don’t mind. Got invites right?
Me: yes, faster go get ready.
Ara: Walter buying bottle later so we drink outside.
Me: ok.


As you can see the reason for the failure of my “Stay at home Friday “plan was due to the above conversations I had. Although I was really exhausted and in dire need for sleep, I dragged my scrawny ass out of my house and met Josh, Ara, Walter, Khaushal and his sister and we headed to Zouk. Well reached there like 1minute before the invites expired and got ourselves stamped before proceeding to the good old coffeeshop to finish up our 2bottles of vodka. After 30minutes we went back to Zouk somewhat high and got ourselves 2jugs of long island tea.

Met Suko, Jeanie, Vijay, Johnny etc while walking around. Headed to member’s bar for drinks with Melvin and fucking hell that idiot nearly killed me with some unknown drink. Left for Arab Street at 3 I think? Kelly and Samantha plus Johnny’s friend joined us for sheesha, crispy chicken and not to forget random conversations which never fail to crack everyone up. Reached home at 5plus and totally knocked out.

So we got invited to Attica’s anniversary on Saturday courtesy of our role model, Johnny. Well the music at Attica is good I must say. So after awhile we got bored so MOS was the next stop. Got in for free thanks to Anthony and immediately proceeded to MacDonald’s to grab a bite after getting our stamp.

Ok this has got to be the highlight of the freaking night. We saw this hot girl and josh as usual decided to play a game and the forfeit was to approach the girl and introduce yourself and ask for her number. As you all know, everytime josh comes up with a game, he wins no matter what happens. We decided to play “o ah pay ah som” between Johnny, Joshua and myself. Not realizing that Johnny had hinted to me to put white, josh decided to get the game started and he freaking LOST ! Everyone was overjoyed and broke out in a chorus of laughter. My god the look on his face was priceless. So after arguing for ages about us conspiring against him, he finally went up to the girl. Headed back to MOS afterwards for more music before I left to send her home at 3am.
Ok I was bored so I did the survey below.


About You
1. Name: Shaun
2. Middle Name: Tay
3. Location: Singapore
4. Place of Birth: Singapore
5. Male or Female: Male
6. Bust: I’m a male...
8. Waist: 28/29? Not sure either but I know its small
9. Occupation: Student
10. Initials: STKTM
11. Screen Name: Steven Senile

Your Appearance :
12. Hair Color : Jet Black
13. Hair Length: Long
15. Best Feature: My personality
16. Height: 175
17. Weight: 55kg
18. Glasses: Nope. Perfect eye sight
19. Shoe size: 8
20. Eyes: Black

Your Firsts
22. First best friend: Jonathan Phua.
23. First Award: Some preschool shit I suppose.
24. First Sport You Joined: Football
25. First thing you did today: Hit the snooze button and scratched my crotch.
26: First thing you ate today: Drank Vitasoy
27. First thing you said today: “I want to sleep la !” in a loud irritated tone to my mum who woke me up at 9am.
28. First Love: Rachel.

Favorites
29. Movie: Too many to list down.
30. TV Show: Scrubs, Prison break, Malcom in the middle etc.
31. Color: Black. I wear mostly black
32. Rock Band: Incubus, Lifehouse
33. Place to get groceries: Cold storage, the fresh food people !
34. Food: That’s a tough one. Can I say all kinds?
35. Season: Summer.
36. Candy: I love them all !
37. Sport: Football
38. Restaurant: Al forno.
42. Animal: White tiger
43. Book: Da Vinci Code, Angels and demons
44. Magazine: Fhm I suppose.

Currently
45. Doing before you started this survey: Took a shower
46. Thinking of: someone
47. Wearing: A thong. ….Just kidding boxers.
48. Crying bout: something
49. Eating: nothing
50. Drinking: Vitasoy
51. Typing: this out la.
53. Listening To: Bon Jovi’s Living on a Prayer
54. Thinking about: many things
55. Wanting: money, driving license, her by my side.
56. Watching: nothing.

Future
57. Where do you see yourself in 5 years: holding down a under paid but over worked job I suppose.
58. Kids: 1 girl 1 boy.
59. Want to be Married: yes
60. Career in Mind: got a few on my mind now. not really decided on one

Which is Better with the Opposite Sex
63. Hair color: black with a little highlights
64. Hair length: long with curls at the end
65. Eye color: brown
66. Measurements: nothing in particular. As long as she’s not obese.
67. Cute or sexy: Sexy
68. Lips or Eyes: Eyes
69. Hugs or Kisses: kisses followed by a hug
70. Short or Tall: Not that particular about that
71. Easygoing or serious: A dash of both
72. Romantic or Spontaneous: Romantic please. But being spontaneous does not hurt either.
73. Good or Bad: Good, but not an angel
74. Sensitive or spontaneous: Sensitive
75. Hook-up or Relationship: Relationship
77. Trouble Maker or Hesitant One: trouble maker. At least she knows what she wants.

Have You Ever
78. Kissed a Stranger: yes
79. Had surgery: no
80. Gone commando: hahaha. Yes. Not purposely though.
81. Ran Away From Home: nope
82. Broken a bone: nope
83. Got an X-ray: nope
84. Been on a cruise: yes
85. Got a car accident: nope.
86. Dumped someone: nope.
87. Cried When Someone Died: yes
88. Cried At School: nope

Do You Believe In
89.God: yes
90. Miracles: a little
91. Love at First Sight: no…. it’s always lust at first sight
92. Ghosts: definitely
93: Aliens: nope….total bullshit
94. Soul Mates: yes
95. Heaven: yes.
96. Hell: yes. I have s spot there already. Most of my friends have places there too. why go to heaven when your friends are all in hell?
97. Answered prayers: yes. I met her.
98. Kissing on The First Date:yes.. is that a problem?
99. Horoscopes: yup

Answer Truthfully
100. Is there someone you wish you had?: yes.

starving for truth

So I haven’t had a wink since Wednesday night. I feel tired, but somehow my body refuses to go into hibernation mode. I’m like super drained out of energy now, seriously in no mood whatsoever to do anything. I guess tonight shall be stay home night.

let me know please

Not knowing what’s happening, I swear that’s the worst feeling ever.

I don't ever want to experience it ever again.

I had a sleepless night period.

I got this in my email

Ways to get an MC.

1) Flu - If you are a smoker, skip that morning fag and voila, you’ve got yourself a symptom that could last for a couple of hours.
2) If you are a non smoker, sleep late and wake up early. First thing when your eyes open, rub that nose… then splash some water on your face. Definitely get the nose rubbing on a roll. You’ll get light symptoms of the flu as well.
3) Fever - Workout at the gym, eat some chilli and you’ll get the temperature up. Or take a swig of wine, vodka, whisky, rum, etc.
4) Stomach flu - Don’t eat. Starve yourself. Only drink milk. Get the gas going in your poor stomach. Then see the doctor.
5) Fatigue - You’ve been working late the past few weeks for an important project and it just took off. You haven’t been able to sleep due to a messed up bio clock and you need sleep inducers as well as 2 days MC to recover.
6) Headache - Simple. Whether it pounds, throbs, or splits… your choice.
7) Food poisoning - You have been puking throughout last night after a bad supper. Now you are absolutely weak, not the mention sleepless… Remember, keep an empty stomach.
8) Menstrual cramps - This is ladies only. Period.
9) Conjunctivitis or anything close - If you are a smoker, you are prone to having ashes flying in your face. This time aim for eye. Smudging Colgate on the eye helps as well. Definite to give puffiness or rather, a pretty good swell. No idea how long it will last though. Try and let me know.
10) Stress - Look pathetic. Work overload. You need a break. Dark rings under the eyes would help. Try eyeshadow.

Not all emails are junk mail or spam ok. Sometimes we get educational ones as well. I'm definately going to try a few tricks mentioned above.