nothing interesting

I keep telling myself “I’m not clubbing tonight “but it never works. Every Wednesday, Friday and Saturday I see myself facing the same situation over and over again. It’s like déjà vu. It’s like I’m in the movie Click, the only thing is someone else is holding the controller to my life and keeps hitting the replay button everytime Wed, Fri or Sat comes. Fuck I know the fault lies in me having no discipline whatsoever but just let me grumble on because I’m under a tremendous amount of stress, so just bear with me. Just last week, I was not going to club and what happened? I was at Zouk for Mambo on Wednesday and again on Saturday for Armin Van Buuren's gig. See what I mean, and just to console myself that it was not my fault for going, i made up excuses by saying that it was Ben's birthday so i had no choice but to go and also by saying Armin does not spin every night at Zouk so I have to go. See I have no self control at all.

So worked my scrawny ass off from Monday 4pm till the wee hours of Tuesday morning 5am I think, slept only at 6plus and wore up at 10am and went for classes. Thank god my 3pm class was cancelled so basically rushed home to sleep before heading to east coast lagoon for dinner with the family. I’m totally drained out of every ounce of energy in my body now, even the beer my dad offered me don’t seem to appeal to me but what the hell, I never reject alcohol so bottoms up.

So the parents have been talking to me recently about many things concerning my future and it hit me like a wall of bricks that, they actually do bother about their alcoholic, smoking son of theirs even though it seems at times, they’ve given up. I guess I’ve taken many things for granted recently and I’ve been too caught up partying and working instead of paying attention to the most important thing in my life, my family.

That aside, the situation in school ain’t a bed of roses if I want to be honest. I’ve basically skipped so many lectures that I’ve received so many e-mails concerning my attendance in school that it seems a norm to be now, I’m like immune already. So my lecturer talked to me today, she just advised me to come on time, instead of being late always and about some other stuff which I’m not going to elaborate. Really appreciated that simple gesture of concern.

Ok I;m going to study now. Chao.

lost

i don't know what to write.

too many things are happening at the same time, causing me to lose all sense of directions.

maybe i should just pop a few

off to a mahjong session, hopefully it ends early tonight

busy busy busy

work at 11pm later and hopefully it ends at 4am.

after which is school from 8am to 5pm.

followed by Jill's 21st birthday party at 7pm till late.

working again on saturday *time unknown*.

followed by another birthday party for Vanessa and Jill.

I NEED SLEEP BADLY !!!!

off to zouk

Random stuff.....

I’ve skipped too many lessons that I’m treading on thin ice according to my advisor.

I detest one lecturer in particular that I’m on the verge of punching him in the face the next time he gives me a smart ass reply everytime I ask a question.

I’m starting to love working more that studying because I get to meet new people, learn new things and the best part, spend my own cash.

My grandmother is cool with my smoking habit, which made my mum rather surprised.

I’m contemplating if I should head to Zouk or stay at home since its 12.10am already.

My mum thinks I’m on drugs. Not kidding at all.

I’ve been smoking a pack a day for the last 2weeks and my throats getting itchy by the minute.

Ok I cannot take it anymore. I’m heading to Zouk.

Time check: 330am

I just got back from Deon’s place where we had a mini-surprise for the old man who turns 29 today. Well it was a small gathering considering the huge group which we normally hang out with. Basically it was Ara, Mark, Faith, Gallen, Shawn C, Khaushal, Josh, Ryan, myself and Deon. So the cake, which was homemade by Faith and the devil’s child Josh, actually tasted not as bad as we thought. So from the original plan of just cutting the cake, it ended up with Mark, Khaushal, Josh and myself heading out to buy beer and mixers. Basically ended up playing King’s scotch, which was hilarious. Will post the video up once I get it. Trust me, the video is worth watching.

Ok I need to get ready for work which starts at 5am I think, at Meritus Mandarin. Got to do some set up for some event. Sighs, if not for the money I would be at Deon’s place drinking more alcohol. Night people.

home so early? it's only 2am...

So I’m back home after heading to MOS with Shaun P and Josh. Pretty much chilled at Smoove members with my beer while the two morons were at the main arena. Met Marcus and Jen Wei at members which resulted in drinks being forced down my throat, bumped into Steff and Deon again. Well came home early because I was rather tired and sort of getting sick of clubbing. I never thought I would say it but I think I need a break from clubbing.

On a brighter note, I can’t wait for the party at the hotel next Saturday. Going to get pissed drunk I can see. Off to watch Benchwarmers because SOMEONE didn’t pass me prison break.

cold saturday evening

It 10pm but I’m still home. Still contemplating if I should head to town to meet the rest but the weather’s like so conducive for sleeping. So no ones home now, got to idea where they went because they sort of left me behind after trying to wake me up from my slumber. I think my whole family is sort of used to my weekly routine of disappearing when its nightfall and coming home when it’s sunrise. Seriously, my parents are even considering locking me out of the house if I’m going to continue this lifestyle. Their complaining that my studies and health are being affected by my daily nocturnal excursions, which is true considering the amount of classes I’ve skipped this week alone.

On a brighter note, MOS last night was pretty fun. Met up with friends I’ve not hung out with for a long time, namely Eric, Tracy, Shaun C and Melvyn. So as usual, Melvyn the freaking devil decided that we needed alcohol so we order drinks and suddenly we had 8jugs of vodka cranberry on our table. Needless to say, Ara, Melvyn and I had to finish up the jugs because the rest don’t drink that much, surprisingly I was not high that night but freaking sober. Met Fabian my Obar khaki who also knew Melvyn, saw Jessie and Nadiah at the dancefloor and not forgetting Dal and Steff in members. Headed to Arab to meet the rest before heading home at 6am.

Ok I’m heading to town mainly because I’m bored at home. Have a good Saturday.

does this look like a hotel to you son?

Let’s see, Wednesday night was spent at DblO instead of the usual place, Zouk. Drinks were dirt cheap which resulted in a few people getting rather high and thank god no one drunk. So we wasted a few jugs because we ordered way too many if I could remember. Come to think of it, I vividly recall a certain individual whom I shall refrain from naming telling me “let’s take it easy, don’t order too much”. Freaking moron, first time we actually wasted alcohol and I cannot believe it. So DblO closes at 230am which is a bummer, so we waited outside for the rest who went to Zouk before heading to Spize for supper with Candice, Samantha, Shaun P, Josh, Kelly, Anthony, Ara, Topshop Jerry, Xiao Jerry, Justin and Tristan all squeezing into 2cars.

Well reached home at 6am, only to face the wrath of my mum the moment I opened the door. As usual, she nagged at me about the late night’s I’ve been keeping, the classes I’ve been skipping and even to my smoking habit. Thank god I was a little stoned, so whatever she said just went in one ear and out the other. Headed to sleep and I intended, I repeat INTENDED to get up for school at 7am. Needless to say, I didn’t attend classes today. Oh well, I shall not do it again, I promise.

So it’s 9pm now and I’ve got 3choices.
1. Head down to Attica Too for a party.
2. Chill out at Raimah with gallen and the mat
3. Stay home and sort out my notes and what ever I have to prepare for tomorrow’s classes.

How How How ????? Which one to choose ?????

HAPPY 20th SHAUN PATRICK !!

Time check 3.30am

Finally done with my presentation today and I’m very pleased the way things turned out. Didn’t expect to receive such praises from the lecturer, was even more shocked when my fellow classmates said that I did a good job. Best part was the comment one girl made “Wah you sleep through the lessons, come late but presentation still so good”. Feels so good when people appreciate your hard work, now I definitely feel the late nights spent doing my research paid off. So now, I’m like the expert to come to if you need any help on racism, stereotypes and prejudice. I must say, school was rather interesting today, come to think of it, I really enjoyed school today.

Headed back home for my much needed rest before going to town to meet up with the idiots. Played hangman with Shawn C, Shaun W, Ryan, Ara and myself and we seriously are damn good at it. After bumming around town, all 16 of us headed to Josh’s place to play Taboo after much consideration.

As usual the girls, Candice, Samantha, Kelly, Jill and Liwen kicked our ass. Come to think of it, we guys outnumbered them but we still lost. We even resorted to cheating to try and catch up but to no avail. Damn, we guys are hopeless. Supper after that at 85 yet again and as usual, we poked fun at everyone at the table and I was not spared either.

Ok I’m like freaking sleepy already and i have class at 8am tomorrow, going to rest because it's Double O tomorrow for some alcohol. Goodnight.

A tribute to the man i want to be when i grow up

Since I didn’t attend mass on All Soul’s Day, I’ve decided that I’m going to pay my late grandfather a tribute on my blog. Almost 6years have gone by since he last left us, but till this day I still miss him dearly. So here it goes a little insight on the man who is and forever will be the man I want to be when I grow up.


My grandfather, Henry Lionel Estrop of Danish & Dutch descendant, had a typical white-man look. Born and grew up in Taiping, Malaysia when his parents moved from Europe, he led a hard life. Came to Singapore to work for the British Police Force, and then married my grandmother at the age of 36. He looked after his family no matter what happened. His wife, children, grandchildren and even his only great grand child were his pride and joy. My grandfather was a very family orientated, generous and loving man.

Besides being fluent in several languages such as Malay, Portuguese and Tamil just to name a few, he was also very knowledgeable in medicine. Nicknamed the Doctor in the family, mainly because of his extensive knowledge he possessed on medicine. Anyone in the family, who fell sick, knew who to find.

When I was growing up, I remembered his making up songs for me whenever I fell sick. Not only did it make me feel better, he even managed to coax me into taking my medication by the songs he sang. One song in Malay appropriately named “Obat”, which when translated into English meant medicine still brings back memories. Come to think of it, I still remember some parts of the song. Hahaha

When I was in primary school, I remembered asking my grandfather the meaning of his tattoos. One of it caught the attention of my eye for a long time and I had to ask him about it. It was a heart-shaped tattoo, on his left arm with the words, "I love Ivy" on it.
He mentioned that Ivy was the love of his life but unfortunately circumstances didn't allow them to be together. So he then tattooed her name as he felt it was something whereby no one could ever take it away from him. It was a remembrance of their love. I found that to be so sweet. Didn't know my grandfather that sentimental.

I missed the times I had to prepare his meals for him. He was very particular about his meals. His meals had to be arranged out nicely for him. His favorite fruits cut, Ribena drink made and not forgetting his vitamins and pills nicely placed in his medicine cup. Oh and the biggest trait about him, SILENCE while he eats his meal. I know it from first hand experience, trust me shut your big mouth when he eats. Haha, I’m the only grandchild who has evoked the devil in him many a times and every time, he forgives me willingly. See he loves me load.

Come to think of it, I can still vividly remember him singing at every Christmas party we had in my home. Choice of song was none other than Tom Jones, It’s not unusual. Even though he sang it year after year, we were always happy whenever he sang it. The way he delivered the song, the way he looked at each and everyone while he sang and even the way he grooved to the music I can still remember clearly.

Times with my grandfather were always precious to me. I guess I had spent most of my time in the company of my grandfather. Be it just sitting down in the living room with him watching Tamil movies, which were his favorite, to having a quiet meal with him which unfortunately ends up in him asking me to shut up because I was too talkative and even to helping him run errands; I always enjoyed his company.

If I were to go on about him, I think I could spend months writing it out. Seriously, even till today, my family still misses him. Family occasions don’t seem to feel the same anymore. I guess he was the glue which kept the family together. Damn it, I don’t have a picture of him on my computer, shall go find one and post it here for all you guys to see next time.

Anyway, All Soul's Day is a Roman Catholic Day in remembrance of all love ones and friends who have passed on. It is a time to pray for their souls that they may be received into heaven. Upon death, it is believed that souls have not yet been cleansed of sin. Praying for souls of loved ones helps to remove the stain of sin, and allow the souls to enter the pearly gates of heaven.

To my loving Grandpa:
I pray that you'll be rest-assured as we are all doing fine & grandma is well. Do continue to look over & guide us always. Love you loads.

how true....

Sometimes we put up walls, not to keep people out,

but to see who cares enough to knock them down.

walking zombie

Time check 7am.

I’m blogging at this unearthly hour mainly because of two reasons.
1. I just got home from work.
2. My hair is wet and I’m waiting for it to dry because I hate sleeping when my hair is wet.

So I’m practically drained out of all energy in my body because I was working 12hours straight since yesterday 6pm. Yes, I’m not kidding. Although there were perks along with the job it also had its drawbacks. My god I had a good time I must say but now I just need one thing. SLEEP ! I cannot take it anymore, I’m just going to use the hair dryer now.

Goodnight people or good morning to some of you.

i beg of you....

I said it once and I’ll say it again. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING OK? I just want to move on. Seriously, I beg of you just don’t tell me anything. If you happen to bump into her, say hi I don’t mind. But please don’t tell me who she’s with because I don’t want to know. Ok?

Like I said before, she and I are still friends. So please let her lead her own life. If she’s happy with him, than I am too. I know you guys are still shocked at what happened and most of you don’t know the reason why we’re not seeing each other anymore but please, don’t take matters into your own hands and screw things up ok.

creatures of the night

The meeting with the supervisor’s and TSO’s didn’t go so well. Any idiot could tell the head supervisor also the resident asshole was showing favoritism towards his own group which, by the way didn’t do anything compared to the other two groups present. He even had the cheek to defend them by saying “they changed their ideas many times, which resulted in the delay of fabrication”. Wow, is that so? Hmmm, give them more time then, we don’t want to infringe on their creative juices. Dumb fucks.

So my group got fucked, by none other than the resident asshole, Mr Teh Bok Seng aka Mr Favoritism aka Dumbass. As I stood there, listening to him preach to my group about our slow pace of fabrication * pot calling the kettle black scenario at its best *, I turned to look at my group mates and all of us had the same look on our faces; the ‘shut up and fuck off look”. So after the dumbass left after giving us his speech, which made all of us happy, we decided to go smoke afterwards, what else. Left school at 4plus totally drained and pissed off.

Long train ride home alone, with Coldplay’s Fix You playing on my mp3. Going to crash now really tired. Tired of everything life has thrown at me.

keeping my mind busy.. so it dosen't start creating problems

Time check 1.30am.

Recap of Wednesday night at Zouk and Paramount. As usual, my nights out usually involve the consumption of alcohol and Wednesday night was not an exception. Headed to Christopher’s dad’s pub for “some” drinks before heading to Zouk but as usual, the clowns mainly Ara, Chris, Josh, Lawlor and myself have no discipline what so ever and had a tad to much to drink. By the time we left, Chris was not walking straight, Ara and I were laughing at everything and anything and Lawlor was taking a piss outside the drain. Josh needless to say was being his usual self, a pain in the ass. Period.

Arrived at Zouk, got stamped and immediately my hands were carrying jugs of long island tea and vodka redbull. Don’t ask how I got them because I don’t know either. Basically throughout the whole night, I had endless drinks thanks to so many people. Samantha, Candice, Ben, Johnny and Jolin joined us before we headed to members for a little retro. Supper at Spize before I headed home, and I didn’t even finish my mee hongkong.

Woke up on Thursday, with a freaking headache, an itchy throat and I’m not kidding, hiccups. My god the hiccups have been going on since last night and even through supper just now. So irritating! Arrived in school freaking late, 12pm I suppose although I have to clock in at 9am. Damn my supervisor must be pissing mad at me by now. Was busy in school till 5plus before I rushed home for a quick shower then to town to watch a movie. Supper at 85 with Kelly, Lawlor, Vanessa, Tristan, Shawn, Joshua, Ara and Liwen after that. Ok that’s all I’m going to write because I got a presentation tomorrow and I’ve not started on anything. Going to burn the midnight oil now.


Thanks guys and girls. It’s nice knowing that when shit hits the fan, you guys will always be by my side. Love you people loads.

all that i am

Time check 5.15am.

My room smells of alcohol and smoke and it fucking stinks. I got school at 9am but I just got home from supper. I better sleep before mummy dearest storms into my den and start nagging at her alcoholic son. Shall update later.

Good night world.

time out

I think I’m going to go into a hiatus for awhile. I need time alone. The pain is still there, lingering around my heart which has shattered into a million pieces. I’m sorry if it seems like I’m dwelling in my sorrows or trying to look pitiful because I’m really not. It really hurts. Trust me; I’ve never felt such pain for any girl before. It might look like I’m a loser; call me one I just don’t care anymore. I’m trying my best not to look back, but each time I tell myself so, I end up feeling more pain.

I think I’ve lost the ability to love.

I’m going to start building up my walls again.

Goodnight.